Core Idea    

Much has been written about older people’s friendships, and it is generally assumed that these relationships are beneficial to them. But can friendships be harmful? This article conducted in-depth interviews of older women, examining the “downside” of relationships. When do friendships cause stress for older women, and how do they cope with it? This study by Robin Moremen used open-ended interviews to obtain a highly detailed description of how friendships can have negative, as well as positive consequences. 

What they say

As part of a larger project on women’s friendships and health 26 women age 55 to 85 from San Francisco were interviewed about their friendships.  The interview involved questions that were either straightforward about sources of strain, for example, “what conflicts do you have with your friends,” or ones that implied it, such as “how important is it that friendships are equal and reciprocal.”   

When looking at the women’s answers to these questions it appears from this study that the main source of strain was breaking the expectations linked with friendship.  Among these expectations are that friends will: share similar interests, personal habits, and friends; be trustworthy; be honest; not exploit one another; live close by; not be overly-dependent; share similar social statuses; not be “whiny or demanding” when ill; maintain balance and reciprocity in their friendships; and tease only for fun.  The article discusses each of the expectations along with the consequences of breaking them using the stories from the women’s interviews for elaboration.  On the whole, it was found that the crushed expectations resulted in many problems and tension in friendships. 

What it means

Why focus on the negative side of friendship rather than the positive side?  The study points out the importance of knowing about the negative side because in the later years of their lives women tend to live alone and to depend on their friends.  As the article shows there are numerous ways that tension in friendship can occur, and many of these resulted from the violation of the previously mentioned expectations.

While the article points out that this finding was not new, the study’s use of open-ended questions to capture detailed answers and stories from the women allowed for a richer understanding.  As a result, the article advocates the need for both subjective and objective approaches for a thorough understanding of sources of strain and tension in older women’s friendships.

Although the study does indicate a number of sources of strain in older women’s friendships, more research is needed because the information emerging from the interviews came from a small group of women.  The article also mentions various areas for additional research on the sources of strain for friendship and its effects.  One such area is men’s friendships, because of the differences between theirs and women’s.  Finally, the study addresses two important points, both of which have been addressed throughout the literature.  First, friends may be more important to older women than family members are, and second, the harmful effect of a negative aspect of a friendship is more noticeable than a beneficial consequence of a positive one.  Therefore, the article stresses the awareness of the importance of older women’s friendships, as well as the negative aspects that could greatly affect these relationships.

Reference

Moremen, R.  (2008).  The Downside of Friendship:  Sources of Strain in Older Women’s Friendships.  Journal of Women & Aging, 20 (1/2), 169-187.